Families Living Under The Microscope

I have been reminded many times over the last couple of weeks just how incredibly difficult it is raising children.  These days, with an 18 year old (usually) out working and twin daughters (usually) at school in their final year, my life is perhaps much easier than those with very young children.

I say this because I have thought back to when I had three children under five years old and just how chaotic it could be at times; so much so that when they were very small, it was 'easier' for me to put my twins in full time nursery and their brother in after school club, than take on the childcare responsibility myself. I much preferred being at work.

This reality hit home one year during a family camping holiday to France.  I had been so looking forward to the break, spending 'quality' time with my husband and three very young children, our twins being two-and-a-half and our son, celebrating his fifth birthday on that holiday.

A rare moment of calm on the beach

Quite possibly because our time was so stretched as a family with me and my husband working full time and Sundays usually being devoted to a cook-off, where I used to spend most of the day in the kitchen preparing our family meals for the week ahead, my daughters were most insistent on having every ounce of my attention during that holiday. I was the only one they would allow to push the buggy and only I was allowed to hold their hands when we went for a walk. We would try everything to distract them so my husband could push the buggy so I could walk along with Ben instead, but when they discovered it wasn't me, they would start a massive fuss. It was totally exhausting.

We also had problems on the campsite with regards to our outside space.  At home in Eastbourne we had a totally safe, high-walled garden where the girls and Ben could come to no harm but on this site, our outside space had no safe way of being sectioned off.  Our only down time was those precious moments they had their afternoon nap although poor Ben had to walk on eggshells for fear of waking them.

It didn't take long before the bickering began, the back and forth digs over whose turn it was to do what, who was getting up first, who was feeding the children, changing them, taking them to the pool, for a walk, to the playground, whose turn it was to keep an eye on all three of them outside, washing up, washing clothes, packing bags for the day, reading stories, playing in the sandpit, you name it, we argued over it and the underscore to all of it was that the girls' simply refused to have their Dad do anything for them.

For families the world over, this type of scenario is playing out.  Where one or both parents would usually be out at work, both or just one is at home, only allowed out for short exercise or food shopping, some with no gardens, others worrying about relatives elsewhere.  This type of pressure, which no one has had any time to prepare for will start to expose the cracks in even the most straight forward of family relationships.  You’re under the microscope.

The children on THAT holiday

It was little over a week into our two-week break that I broke down and told my husband I was going to get us booked on an earlier ferry home.  I had thought to myself that at least the freedom of our garden at home and the stairgate measures inside would allow us some chill time. And so, after cutting our holiday short, I found myself being really excited at the thought of getting back to work.

I was reminded of this a couple of days ago when a friend, who is a single parent, explained how she was feeling being cooped up at home, day in and day out during lockdown.  She told me she was struggling due to the lack of routine and not having any opportunity for a break.  Usually she would be working part-time or her son would be in school or her parents would be hands on to help, but of course, all of this has been removed and in her case, she faces it very much alone.

The non-stop barrage of questions a young child will throw at you is of course only because they are inquisitive to learn, however, if there is no escape from the endless list of things a child is wanting to know, it can tip even the most mild mannered of parents over the edge.  I remember one of my twins pushing me so far to the limit one day as she continued her tirade of screams in the back of the car that I had to pull over, get out of the car and sob silently outside.  It was all quiet when I got back in the car.  Reflecting on it, I now understand the scenario differently.  Lucy is stubborn and sticks to her guns; she doesn’t back down. That part of her personality will be used to great affect as she moves through her life. That day she was trying to communicate her point.  She still behaves this way at times and it can reduce me to tears still.  But it’s who she is, and I wouldn’t change that.

Putting a microscope on your own family life is a real test.  Ordinarily, each day is broken up with strict routine, whether we realised it or not before, we certainly do now.  Alarms go off, we take turns in the bathroom, get dressed, eat breakfast, say our goodbyes, do school runs, catch trains, wait for buses, walk to work, children get an education, we eat lunch, drink afternoon tea, leave the office, collect children, reconvene at home, eat supper, watch tv, put kids to bed, tidy up a bit, go to bed, then it starts all over again.  In between all this we have our chores, admin, financial commitments, we maintain relationships (try to), look after relatives, organise play dates, hospital appointments, dentist, orthodontist, parents evening......the list is endless.

Perhaps it's only now that because our regular routines are on hold, we can be amazed at all the things we can juggle in any one single day. Maybe that explains why the mental health of our nation is not great.  Are we all trying to do too much?

Certain TV shows bring us together as a family

My current routine is hardly changed from usual. I seldom see my children even though we live under the same roof.  We each have our own screens and rarely get together other than maybe once a week at the table or during mutually favourite programmes such as Love Island or I'm a Celebrity.  My teens are self-sufficient.  I pretend to myself it’s like this because I wasn’t around with them all day every day when they were young. Even if that is the case, it didn’t do them any harm. In truth though, I’ve spent more time with them over the past couple of weeks, where we are trying to adapt to new ways of doing things.  I certainly never thought we would all become so good at cooking and eating so many meals at the table together.

For those parents, like my dear friend in Yorkshire, looking after a primary school aged child, it must be such a challenging time.  Mums and Dads suddenly having to become teachers, learning also how to be creative at home (my friend by the way is good at everything, so perhaps she's one of the lucky ones), giving children something different to do and think about whilst being confined to the same space, thinking about different meals to serve, trying to resist keeping them in front of screens too long, explaining to them what's happening in the world which is preventing them from going to school or even on play dates.

I'm thankful my children are now grown and I'm not being asked to stay home from work and home school and entertain them for when I was in that position before, on that France camping holiday, I lasted a little over seven days, before I surrendered and asked to please let me go back to work.  I had a choice.  Millions of parents across the UK (and indeed the world) are now having the microscope pointed at their family life. And for as much as we love our own children, parenting can be boring and for millions of parents, it can be incredibly isolating.

 

Quote sent to me from my friend

For this reason, I salute my friend, for of all the people I know, she has the skills as a former teacher, the knowledge and creativity to pull this off with full marks.  She would say otherwise. 

No one presents you with a 'How to Parent' book when you leave hospital with your newborn.  We all parent differently.  Ironically these days, with little physical contact with my own teenagers, I dream of having them back for a day as toddlers so I can scoop up their chunky bodies and squeeze them tight.  Would I have done things differently?  No.  But I had choices, which for at least the coming months ahead, many families simply don't have and that can’t and won’t be easy.